Saturday, April 13, 2013

the looking glass

There's a certain paradox whilst being in your 20s. Every year brings about a new revelation, a new change and our Worldview so often evolves until the waters calm down and eventually when we reach towards the end of our youthfulness, we're molded into a somewhat permanent version of ourselves. That's when the 30s and onwards kick in.

So far, my journey down the road of the 20s has been laced with something akin to a roller-coaster. Much less of emotions (thank God) but now more on principles. Every action of mine now carries the weight of responsibility and future consequence.

What will this do for my future? Will this set me back and push me forward and by how many years? When it all ends, who do I affect and influence?

There's an idealist within me, capturing the essence of humanity and its plight, wishing to express and translate what I see into tangible words and emotions. Yes, that's the journalist in me wishing for a punch in the wall of apathy. Then there's the economist within me, to explore the intricacies of human nature, their belief systems, dogmas and what drives their collective decisions.

 I'm torn. I'm undecided. But at the end of the day, I just want to know I'm making a difference in the lives of others. It's much less of imposition than it is of influence. And over the years, I've began to see how being in a position of influence can be a game-changer; the mover of beliefs and policies. The ability to make change within your power due to the given status. But why, oh God why is this being abused? They say power corrupts. And that too, a part of me ponders, were I given this position of influence, would I forgo my principles and abuse it too?

Truth is: I wouldn't know. My life's philosophy is quickly turning into what I've often preached but rarely practiced until now: carpa diem. I look back and I'm looking back at the bridges burned (rarely by me), the bridges that are far away and those that have short distances to them. The people in my life and those I care about are closely drawing to a small number. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could share my burden.

I may ramble and blubber incoherent nonsense of my daily thoughts and musings. If I do so, do know it's because I'm comfortable enough to tell these things to a select few I know who won't look at my with a judging eye. And instead, offer an interesting view of their own. To listen patiently and just laugh, disagree or even move on a better topic of discussion.

I have doubts about what I do sometimes. But I know this much: it's alright to have doubt sometimes as long as I never lose sight of what's important and what I want and need to achieve.

photo credits to Phillip Klinger

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